 |
| Spargus Menu | |
| SPArgus Shouts | |
| Who's Online | |
There are currently, 10 guest(s) and 0 member(s) that are online.
You are Anonymous user. You can register for free by clicking here | |
| Login | |
|
Don't have an account yet? You can create one. As a registered user you have some advantages like theme manager, comments configuration and post comments with your name. | |
| Links | |
| |
 | A bit of a Difference... |
Recently we have decided to do a one off show relating to our
great editor Johnny tourettes leaving his 'other' job to chase
the green dollar fairy.
So for one day we are dedicating all the shows to for a whole
day to Johnny's old work place.
08:00 - 09:54 - Guess Poo? - A worker is placed into the single back
toilet on his own whilst the rest of the workers each have
chance to guess who is having a number 2 in the cubicle.
The contestants only have the time is takes for a number 1 to
gather as much information as possible, maybe a sniff, a shuffle
of the feet or even lucky enough to get a cough.
10:00 - 10:45 - Are we being served? - The quickest contestant to
come back to their desk with the correct order and within their
allotted break time wins. If the agent can fight back the tears
from the usual torrent of abuse the canteen staff, they win an
evening with the manager of the canteen to her anger
management class every wednesday for the next 3 months.
Theme tune from The lord of rings cast playing stomp with the
tea and coffee bins dotted around the floor.
N.B. No canteen staff were actually harmed in this game
11:00 - 11.10 - A Question of Pork - Meat based trivia quiz hosted by
Lionel Richie , Shaz and Val. With full Chinese subtitles and
Voiced over by Stephen Hawkins
12:00 - 12:50 Don't breathe - For 1 minute 2nd Line farted
1 minute theme tune performed by the 1 Minute theme band
recently formed in the last minute
13:00 - 13:86 Hack This Nerd! - Real life nerds are put together into a
logging a community to see how much of a living they can make
by hacking trees with their keyboards and computer
peripherals. A follow up show will be made later this year with
the logging community coming to the nerd encampment and
trying to hack their machines with their axes.
Hosted by Teddy Ruxpin and Zorro
14:00 - 14:57 - Fletch's multicoloured headset swapshop - Viewers
phone in to swap headsets with the almighty Fletch. Only
available in pink and when there's calls waiting on the
callboard.
15:00 - 16:87 ĎЯ ħǛẄ - 10 Minutes of an uncomprhendlable version of Dr Who by
Mr O'Sullivan.
Guest starring villain Gordon Hume
Theme by the CCOD playing 'Nothing else matters' by Mettalica
on the Aspect.
Cameo appearances by Ronald Regan as Cyberman 2, Sooty and
Sweep as Darlek number 5 and Billie Piper played by Ken Dodd
17:00 - 17:65 - Mr Callcentre Head - Various bits of skin, pubes,
dribble, food, clothing are mashed together and rolled around
on the filthy floor to make the perfect agent under 5 minutes.
Cook on gas mark 18 and stir for 5 minutes, leave settle and
simmer for 5 minutes. Serve hot and sweaty. Will last for 4
months
18:00 - 18:54 - Random Sandwhich
Satisfyngly accurate computerized simulation showing precisely
what would happen if 2nd line Senior 'Belly Beardface Bellyboy'
unwittingly ate a lovingly homemade sandwhich designed by his
wife. This weeks featured sandwhich Chicken, Ham and mayo
with side order of pie.
19:00 - 19:01 - Spore and Score Suckfest
Cutting edge home made prank cam, in which sniggering agents
on the floor release flour into the non existent air conditioning
over the managers desks, they then stand outside claiming to
have rolled their penises in a petri dish full of anthrax serum.
20:00 - 20:02 - Metal Gear Solid Call Taking - Agents are dressed in skin
tight outfits hiding behind pillars whispering to customers
directions how to fix their computer without alerting nearby
guards.
21:00 - 22:32 - Zulu : Named and shamed edition - A classic remake of
the film Zulu, where the Zulu's are digitally replaced by the
usual callcentre womanisers. Letting viewers enjoy the the
classic and memorable slaying of these rare beasts. Letting the
girls of the callcentre roam freely once more.
22:32 - 22:45 - Nil By mouth - A comedy remake of 'Only when i laugh'
but only casting the canteen staff.
Figgis - Played by Ange
Glover - Val
Binns - Cath
Theme tuned prepared and served by Hayley and Sandy
Late night extras - Cheggers Plays CCod
Recent naked explorer gameshow host Keith Chegwin takes over the CCoD for a day.
Extra Late night extras - Who's grime is it anyway
Random pubic hairs are plucked from the depths of keyboards and have to matched up with various agents.
|
|
|
Posted by johnny on Friday, September 12 @ 15:20:00 BST (27 reads)
(comments? | Score: 0)
|
|
|
| Tonight on Channel FAG... |
Ladies and gents its Friday! That means a whole evening of entertainment from South Wales own Channel FAG.
19:30 - 20:00 – Dr Who-the-hell-are-you? – A man who claims to have a doctorate abducts young women without even giving them his real name.
Filmed on location underneath the Newport Suspension Bridge.
20:00 - 20:25 – Bruce’s Price Is Right – 25 minutes of Bruce Forsythe challenging large supermarket chains, complaining about extortionate prices of scotch eggs and lube.
Soundtrack produced by having a midget headbutt a tambourine.
20:25 - 20:30 – 5 minutes of fame – Live video feed of you watching yourself on TV. Where is that camera? How did it get there? 5 minutes of fame, a life-time of fear.
Soundtrack and Visuals provided by you. Somehow…
20:30 - 22:40 – Rhames Bond – Thespian actor Ving Rhames takes the lead role as the charismatic British Super spy in his directorial debut. Bond has 24 hours to save the world from a straight to DVD remake of a classic zombie movie.
Soundtrack adapted from every other Bond film, with minor adjustments made by an unknown DJ in his parents basement.
22:40 - 23:00 – Cleaners of the Red Carpet - Fly on the wall documentary following the lives of pornography’s unsung heroes, the STD clinic doctors and nurses. Special episode following Newport’s own Dr Richard Scraper as he talks about his cure for Chlamydia, and battles countless cases of knob rot.
Soundtrack composed by Hans Zimmer, note the heavy influence of the Face/Off score in the scene where Dr Scraper confronts facial herpes.
23:00 - 00:00 – Bass-tards – Newport based fishermen Baz “cockeye” Leary and Gwylam “short-rod” Jones present one hour of live fishing in the least polluted section of Usk River. Witness these social retards as they play thumping bass trance music on their modified row boat and question the lack of fish in the area. Only the most mentally challenged fish could be caught by this pair of gits.
Soundtrack recorded from the bathrooms of Newport’s various night clubs by Baz and Short-rod. Includes muffled dance tunes and echoed bathroom stall sounds of embarrassment.
|
|
|
Posted by chief_beefwhistle on Friday, June 20 @ 13:00:00 BST (61 reads)
(Read More... | Score: 0)
|
|
|
| Return of the Datashite Brothers |
 chief_beefwhistle writes "It has been a hard winter for the Datashite Brothers. Now, after braving the harsh cold and occasional verbal abuse of elderly passers-by they have emerged from their watery cavern, located 30 feet below the Afon Lwyd. In their hands, the latest additions to gaming’s hall of fame, and this weeks recycling. Inebriate Brewery Owner Simulation -
Can you manage a piss up in a brewery? Control the overweight, red-nosed drunk Bamberclat McPhearson and organise a fantastic party in a brewery of your choice. Over 6 actual Welsh breweries to choose from, painstakingly recreated in 8 bit graphics from designers memory.
Warning- In order to play IBOS you must first be inebriated. In order to pass security you must utilise the USB breathalyzer provided with the game. Special edition of the game comes with a 2 litre bottle of White Lightning, The USB breathalyzer and a forgeable note to your parents dictating the game is for purely scientific reasons and will increase your chances of getting into the best university in Hampshire.
Valley-Alley Challenge-
You are being chased by someone who inexplicably wants to damage your head. They have a large blunt object, you have 10 pints of Carling in you. Its time to run, but where? Which of the dark alleyways will you choose?
Valley-Alley challenge is a realistic simulation of piss-pants sprinting and quick decision making. Will your choice of scum-filled alley lead you to freedom, a dead-end / skull-reshaping or will you be molested by any number of Newport’s dumpster diving bum collective.
Features realistic back alley physics such as;
1. Slippery concrete floors.
2. Walls covered in strange smelling goo and patches of wall grass.
3. Empty cardboard boxes.
4. Semi-decayed rats. The Datashite Brothers are back in business and out of debt! (almost!) |
|
|
Posted by johnny on Monday, June 16 @ 22:50:04 BST (79 reads)
(Read More... | 2074 bytes more | Score: 0)
|
|
|
| bastard bum: SPArgus goes all british bulldogs and shouts OPEN GATES!!! |
 Well we've been going since 2004 and we've got fatter, lazier and started to settle down and dish out Werthers Originals to family members and starting to repeat ourselves constantly.
So to combat this and save whatever dignity we have left with our stories, we're opening up the chance for you big bunch of slags to write some stories for us and keep this trainwreck of a website going that little bit longer.
Basically, write some shit that's in the topics that we have already and we'll take a look. If you're shit at writing and need a fuzzy felt tutorial, then you can kiss the klinkers out my ass as i can't be bothered fisher pricing this shit up for you.
Topics of stories
- Good news for The Port
- TVFAG
- Games/Software for the DATASHITE Bros
- Film/TV reviews for CLARTASTROPHY Studios
- Who's the dirtiest bird of The Port
Just write it and we'll tell you if your good enough to have a story slot or not! Get to work then you bastards! Safe!
Just click on the 'Got a story?' link or for the lazt fat shits clickHERE
|
|
|
Posted by johnny on Sunday, June 15 @ 23:51:32 BST (58 reads)
(Read More... | bastard bum | Score: 0)
|
|
|
| Slags: Definately not sent from heaven |
 Newports answer to Dita Von Teese.Young Ex - technical support guru Daleneo Heavenester, has dropped the headset and keyboard and taken up performing as a slutty burlesque dancer round the back alleys and school bike sheds of Newport.  Heavenester worked as curious and frustrated male until the summer of 2006 when he got himself sponsored by Happy Shopper and earn himself a nice little pile of money to get his sex change operation round the back of his local Spar by famous lady gardener Barry Peter. "I was so scared but excited at the same time, but i think i've made the right choice now and enjoy trimming my lady garden, one time i made it look like shaggy dog, and with my staples and stitches still in it looked like he was growling" Heavenester, has recently teamed up with Newports latest rentboy in the city to star in a new 'Get Fit' DVD from Clartastrophy Studios called " Fistin' Fit". Rumours are floating round that a webcam flick of these two performing a copycat version of " 2 girls 1 cup", instead called "2 gays 1 Bucket". Ratings have gone through the roof at hosts www.youlube.com who had to install 2 new servers to cope with the bandwidth.
"The DVD is a blast, i can get right up to my elbow now" - Barry Peter
"It's even better with 3d glasses on, it's like the fist actually comes right at you" - Trevor McDonald
"We started up tours with the couple of this masterpiece" - Wookey Hole tour guides
|
|
|
Posted by johnny on Friday, June 13 @ 21:41:07 BST (57 reads)
(Read More... | Slags | Score: 0)
|
|
|
| Slags: Rentboy hits the big time |
Parents are distraught.....ex girlfriends are in shock.....new boyfriends are clapping their hands. We get a full blown interview with Newport latest addition to the 'Rentboy' status.
"I'd throw my load over him!" - shouts one passer by from the spit riddled window of a newly furnished Newport Nipper.
This young man is an asset to the status of Newport City. Fuck the Wave, Fuck the Arty Cow Shed, Fuck the Pigeons, Fuck the fancy suspended bridge.......these got nothing on the new boy in town 'Let's Fuck Fletch!' instead.
First spotted for his witty telephone box adds such as...
"Play me like a tuba and i'll parp on your face" and "You can fit your whole fist up there bro, even with those sovereigns on"
Fletch, soon became an underground hero which got him to where he is today.
More to come soon on this story, for a quick preview of what is coming next click HERE.
|
|
|
Posted by johnny on Monday, June 09 @ 02:29:45 BST (88 reads)
(Read More... | Slags | Score: 5)
|
|
|
| What's on...Channel FAG |
|
What's going down on Wales' number 1 TV channel, Channel FAG
As
the channel is only allowed to be aired one day in the week, they have
make sure they jam cram enough awesome material to make up for the rest
of the week.
What's on Friday?
07:40 - 08:21 - Kiddies corner with PussBag - 70's remake of the lovable cat has turned nasty with a new replacement of an oversized manx cat that has pnuemonia.
Special effects by Speilbergs Industrial Light and Magic
08:22 - 11:48 - Supermarket Sweep's Cash Dash - A Fly on the wall series following the real life robberies of Ex kids TV Puppet Sweep from Sooty, Sue and Sweep. Camera men will follow the puppet on various supermarket robberies while Sooty narrates through the ear of Dennis Waterman.
11:49 - 12:30 - Willow and Weeman's Offground Tag - These two shorter than normal human beings are placed into an oversized environment where climbing is impossible. Very quick game ending, rest of the show filled up with the 49 Scat Dancers of Arabia. Disneyland waterproof clothing available for audience.
Referee - John what his face from Gladiators on ITV "Threeeee twooooo oneeeeee , GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"
12:31 - 13:14 - Wii Wankers - Cleverley designed gameshow by Hiro Naga Tugsak of Splott. Each contestant must wank off the pixelated penis by using the newly created IPii, until the animated Jet Set Willy type character ejeculates his 32bit load over the trailing contestants.
The winner gets full virtual bukkake experience from the other contestants.
13:15 - 15:00 - I-Baby - A crazy long documentry seen through the eys of a small child. Lots of close ups of lactating nipples and scabby areola's.
Narrated by John Travolta as Mikey from Look who's talking. Random flashy scary scenes of man beast Kirsty Alley.
15:01 - 21:00 - 'Bugger all' till 9 - Scenes of buggery till nine o'clock. Hosted by GOATSE and Cliff Richard.
Music composed and performed by Jean-Claude Van Damme and a Casiotone MT205.
21:01 - Close - Britney, Whitney and Pitney play Shitknee - A game of keep ups with a hacky sack shaped turd thrown into the ring with the famous trio. Britney Spears, Whitney Houston and Gene Pitney all play together to keep the turd in the air. Last one left is the shittiest knee champion.
Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark perform alongside Chas and Dave in a one off special Pearly dance off. Music performed by Ironside, Hunter, Magnum, Stringfellow Hawk and Lee Majors backing music by the Glen A Larson and Donald Bellisario Skiffle group.
After party DJ'ing by Stephen J Cannell and the A-Team dancers.
|
|
|
Posted by johnny on Tuesday, June 03 @ 00:00:23 BST (49 reads)
(Read More... | Score: 0)
|
|
|
| Good News: Ooooh Look some more good news! |
 We all love a bit of good news, but these days good news in newspapers is few and far between, so let's sit back and have a good ole thumbs up for the people of the port who have enjoyed some of this good news this last week.
NO SKIDS!!! shouted Jenko of Somerton as he realised he hadn't shat himself when he accidently didn't fart this morning.
"I feel the luckiest man on the earth today that this didn't happen!"
His doctor was also relieved that the stitches he didn't have from the anal prolapse that never occured last week, didn't pop!
Congratulations Bob and Shazza from Alway, you didn't die from the mysterious plague that never spread through Newport yesterday. The team for the Spargus didn't send them a "Well done you lived" card.
Trevor Spencer was lucky to be alive yesterday after the news of a tornado didn't rip through his home in Rogerstone. Experts reckoned that this strange occurence that never happened very strange indeed. Chins are still being scratched.
Young David Benson was over the moon to find out his bike wasn't stolen when he didn't leave it outside a supermarket yesterday.
"I wasn't even near the place, and i haven't got a bike, but i'm still glad it wasn't stolen. My mum and dad we're pleased and now taken extra protection with securing the shed we haven't got."
|
|
|
Posted by johnny on Monday, June 02 @ 21:50:03 BST (48 reads)
(Read More... | Good News | Score: 0)
|
|
|
| What's on...Channel FAG |
|
What's going down on Wales' number 1 TV channel, Channel FAG
As the channel is only allowed to be aired one day in the week, they have make sure they jam cram enough awesome material to make up for the rest of the week.
What's on Friday?
9:00 - 11:00 - Dick Slap Roundabout - Groups of large endowned men stand naked on the edge of a playground roundabout and spun at top speed. The object of the game is to get the game contestant to reach the middle of the roundabout with out getting dicked in the face by the spinning naked schlong wearers.
Hosted by a Trevor McDonald look-a-like
11:01 - 12:34 - Teddy Ruxpin's Wheels of steel on a meals on wheels deal - A fly on the wall documentry of good hearted Teddy Ruxpin driving around old folks home with pawfuls of dinners for the old aged. He will then spin his wheels of steel and play the unsuspecting crowds of hungry grans 10 seconds of hardcore trance. If they get the track artist and title correct they win a dinner for 1
12:35 - 12:36 - 1 Minute Feltch - Warning flashing images of feltching for 1 minute
Soundtrack by Al Jolson singing 'Mammy'
12.37 - 14:37 - Mills and Boon love hour - Down and out Star Wars actor Mark Hammill narrates 1 hour of Mills and Boon love scenes.
Soundtrack from Star Wars
14.38 - 15:30 - What's the time Mr Wolff? - German teacher Hans Wolff answers real life phonecalls from viewers asking the time for 52 minutes.
Soundtrack - Countdown clock noise for 52 minutes
15.31 - 18:00 - Crappers Delight - Homevideo show of students filming themselves rapping and crapping in the privacy of their own loo's to the song of rappers delight made famous by The Sugar Hill Gang. People the phone in with their votes on the best crapper
18.01 - 20:00 - The only way is pup - 80's dance songtress Yazz, hosts a show about launching lonley RSPCA bound dogs into space on the back of homemade rockets fuelled by mentos and cola.
Guest appearance by Elton John singing Rocket Man
20.01 - 23:59 - Gran Bang - Late night adult viewing of a room full of grannies in various adult stretched positions. Kilted skirts and mohair angora sweaters included.
Guest appearance by Supergran and nana from The Royle Family
|
|
|
Posted by johnny on Friday, November 23 @ 17:10:16 GMT (84 reads)
(Read More... | Score: 0)
|
|
|
| News: Newport shits out another muscial masterpeice |
  My fuckin ears are bleedin' man!
One name musical wonders from Newport, Reghackers exploded onto the music scene last month with an unexpected early release of their ablum 'Calls Waiting' through Clartastrophy Studios.
Guy Fapworth the Musical genius behind Newport's previous rock gods 'Buttplugger' and 'Aunty Jackies Socks' also seasonal reporter for Newports finest band mag 'Rock Slag', interviews the band over a bag of cheese beans and chips in Newport castle and talks about life, love and rock!
Click Read More below to find out about the goings on of Newport's latest band to woo the port with their talented fingers.
They've been recently touring the country romping through the
university scene with style and panache, grooving the students to their
limits with their pop/rock/funk melodies.
"We don't want to put
ourselves to one genre, but if we have to, a little bit pop/punk, just
a bit edgier" - grunts Grant the lead singer
The band now consists of 4 members, Grant (vocals and stage mincing), Clint (bass guitar and swarvey swaggers), Boris (drums and letching) and latest member Sam (lead guitar and soap dispenser).
The
students have been blown away by the professionalism of the band for
such a young group that has only been on the scene for such a little
time.
Some of the feedback from the concert goers show that, Reghackers have had an amazing impact already on the young innocent ears of the Port.
"Sam makes me wet!" - Screams one of the male students
"I listen to them in the bath" - D Stradling
"Boris is a beast of a basher on the beats" - Boris' nan
"Clint has the best manbags for stage presence ever" - Jimi Hendrix via oujia board
Their latest album "Calls Waiting" released by Clartastrophy Studios has
gone mental in the shops. The album has a decent texture of pop and
punk tones mixed with a serious professional rhythm and beat.
The tracks on 'Calls Waiting' are:
1. Risca Girlz
2. PCA?
3. Outage
4. RTV
5. Inside Line
6. Salty Pirate/Heather Mills
7. Wreckups
8. Sons of M.I.L.F.
9. Dirty carpet, dirty knees
10. This guys password is called bathplug
11. 2910
12. Look whos got a camel toe
The album is out already in all good Happy Shopper outlets by Clartastrohpy Studios.
The band can be contacted via the magic of Electroninc mail at reg.hackers@virgin.net or their website at http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=5145494908
|
|
|
Posted by johnny on Friday, November 23 @ 16:00:55 GMT (105 reads)
(Read More... | 3143 bytes more | News | Score: 5)
|
|
|
| News: What the crap do you lot look for ? - Part IVVIIXXX |
  What the crap!!!!
Over the last few months i've been noting down the search strings that have been entered into a search engine to come up with this wonderous news site. What the shite are you people out there looking for!?
Ok, so this time it's gone from Arses and granny's at bus stops to anal feltchin, chernobyl snow and sluts who love cock?
Nice guys! Keep it going!
THIS STORY WAS SPONSORED BY STEPHEN BATH AND THE NUMBER TWELVTY
Click the READ MORE to read the last 4 months worth of search strings ball bag!
OCTOBER
1 7 53.85% rim job
2 2 15.38% deep enema
3 1 7.69% ass hole rim job
4 1 7.69% enema%27s
5 1 7.69% good looking woman in wales
6 1 7.69% mr tourettes
7 old hairy welsh pussy
8. hillview lliswerry newport
9. mag for kids in wales
10. Muslim head scarves
11. 80's porn sluts
12. cwmbran dirty sluts
13. inflatable human balls
14. How to get twmbarlum
15. Gay male male cwmbran
16. Hairy pubic region wlesh woman
17. Lost both testicles
18. Fishy Clart
19. where can i download the them tune to littlest hobo
20. Vaginal Styling
21. what is feltchin
22. animal friends risca
23. Winging pommes
24. myspace hacking holes still open may
25. dog kennels for stray dogs in torfaen
26. ladies arsehole
27. south wales band killing
28. Men meetin tights
29. johnny Tourettes
SEPTEMBER
1 15 31.91% rim job
2 5 10.64% sweaty man ass
3 4 8.51% sweaty man
4 2 4.26% hairy ballbag
5 2 4.26% hairy crotch
6 2 4.26% picsexgirl
7 2 4.26% sodden pussy
8 2 4.26% spargus
9 2 4.26% taking enema
10 2 4.26% twmbarlum pictures
11 1 2.13% ballsack slapping
12 1 2.13% datashite
13 1 2.13% dogging risca
14 1 2.13% feltchin
15 1 2.13% giving an enema
16 1 2.13% rape crime vedio
17 1 2.13% sample video-porno
18 1 2.13% twmbarlum history
19 1 2.13% young business woman shave how 1 2 15.38% catastrophies
2 2 15.38% deep enema
3 2 15.38% elderley %2b sex
4 2 15.38% spargus
5 1 7.69% %22porno lactation%22
6 1 7.69% homemade anus pump
7 1 7.69% is the dingo harful to man
8 1 7.69% the newports spielberg
9 1 7.69% tvfag JULY
1 3 20.00% white spargus
2 2 13.33% i shat myself
3 1 6.67% clart family
4 1 6.67% dogging sites risca south wales
5 1 6.67% grooming pubes
6 1 6.67% hairy crotch
7 1 6.67% lady shave below how
8 1 6.67% newspaper for the youth
9 1 6.67% oprah sandwhich
10 1 6.67% twmbarlum
11 1 6.67% unsensored malayalam payable sex movies
12 1 6.67% whats going down in south wales
|
|
|
Posted by johnny on Thursday, October 04 @ 20:29:56 BST (437 reads)
(Read More... | News | Score: 3)
|
|
|
| Good News: I didn't die yesterday .... Hoorrah! |
Lucky Escape
Elderley pensioner Jim Byth was out walking his small dog on Saturday and was luckily not involved in a car accident that happened on the other side of town.
"I was very lucky to have missed this awful accident, i rung my friends and family straight away to tell them i haven't been killed" Sighed Mr Byth.
Sounds fishy
Loving dole bums Gareth and Lynne from Risca, were glad to know that their 2 year old condom did not split with the incident on the way home from the pub the other night.
"I was so happy i placed it my mantlepiece as a reminder how lucky we were"
Listen, can you smell something?
Pigeon collector Ivor Jenkins of Spytty was glad to find out that his pigeon hut did not burn down with the possible grass fire that could of happened on Saturday afternoon.
Deep Throat
Lisa Smith from Maindee realised how lucky she was when she found out she hadn't choked to death on a Greggs Sandwhich.
"I finished the sandwhich and realised i was still alive, i had to tell someone steaight away. My husband was extremely happy to hear i didn't die on my lunch break"
|
|
|
Posted by johnny on Monday, May 07 @ 13:01:47 BST (113 reads)
(Read More... | Good News | Score: 0)
|
|
|
| Look out internet OPRAH is coming |
It's one hell of a package !
With all the nasties out on the intarmaweeb these days, it's about time that a new browser is created to battle these nasty little buggers.
Our very own Newportonian software developers 'The Datashite brothers' have designed a new type of browser that will come up trumps against the rest. The have named it OPRAH
"It's a great program we think, we've been sat in our bedroom for months on end playing with every little bit of OPRAH and finding all her vunerable holes. We've tested OPRAH with intrusive backdoor attacks, and even though the program is rather bulky her backdoor is tightly secured."
Wanna know more about OPRAH and her back door click the READ MORE link below.
"We have put OPRAH into different types of troubling scenarios,
where she reacted totally different in each case, all with a successful
outcome.
We have been given a copy of OPRAH here at the SPArgus office's and have been tinkering about with it all day.
"It's great, no matter how big or small you shrink it, it still looks the same" - Johnny Tourettes, Editor
"I can happilly view porn in the comfort of of my own pants now, without worrying that i'm being watched" Bastard Bum, Agony Aunt
"Can i play with OPRAH, Pleaeeeeeeaasse!!!! awww go on" - Bill Gates, CEO Microsoft
|
|
|
Posted by johnny on Friday, April 20 @ 23:15:54 BST (128 reads)
(Read More... | 1549 bytes more | Score: 0)
|
|
|
| What's on...Channel FAG |
|
What's going down on Wales' number 1 TV channel, Channel FAG
As the channel is only allowed to be aired one day in the week, they have make sure they jam cram enough awesome material to make up for the rest of the week.
What's on Friday?
07.00am - 09.56am - It's Wee Wii Time - A look into the male gay world of gaming with dead host John Inman. Naked buff bears battle it out with their Wii in one hand and while flashing their wee in the other. Local fetish band 'Buttplugger' play the theme music.
09.57am - 11.59am - This will put the wind up ya! - Homemade videos of reckless students breaking into people dorms in the middle of the night to tape the reaction of their unsuspecting friends. Once in the dorm, a Halfords double barrelled foot pump is slowly inserted into the anus of the sleeping student, the gauge is then set to 0 and the pump started. The winner is the most pressure they can get up the arse of the student before waking them or blowing them up.
12.00pm - 1.25pm - Glory Glory Hail a Julia - Game for a laugh-esque gameshow where old worn out comedians stand on the side of the road waiting for people that look like someone called Julia. the then pelt them with home made ice balls while singing annoying hymns. No real Julias were actually hurt in this game only fake ones.
1.26pm - 6.13pm - Sit on this - A few hours of a conveyeur rolling a few hundred chairs across it's belt to repeated theme music of Bonanza
6.14pm - 6.15pm - Don't Breath! - For one whole minute. The screen will show a timer counting down for minute.
6.16pm - 8.00pm - Hack This Nerd! - Real life nerds are put together into a logging a community to see how much of a living they can make by hacking trees with their keyboards and computer peripherals. A follow up show will be made later this year with the logging community coming to the nerd encampment and trying to hack their machines with their axes.
Hosted by Teddy Ruxpin and Zorro
8.01pm - 11.11pm - Dawg eat Dawg - Canabilistic documentry of the goings on in the back alleys of 8 mile road, Detroit. Rap Commentry by Vanilla Ice
11.12pm - Close - 48 Minute hum - What do you think?
|
|
|
Posted by johnny on Wednesday, April 18 @ 23:21:15 BST (110 reads)
(Read More... | Score: 0)
|
|
|
| News: Exclusive Interview with..... |
A victim of furniture abuse
Reported by Bastard Bum
 Furniture abuse is wrong and needs to be recognised as a growing concern within households today.
We have an exclusive interview with one such victim who would only like to be known as Gloria throughout this meeting. She has become one of the first abuse victims to come forward and talk about her life story, and the SPArgus team get it to you first.
In her interview she talks about her new life, love, travelling, meeting new people and other chair friends. She has a blog situated on the popular web shop corner called 'MySpace' which is becoming a popular resting ground for bored office workers and needy teenagers.
Click 'Read More' below you filthy filthy dog lover to get more of Glorias story.
I met Gloria in a quiet restaurant out of town. She chose the
restaurant in Ikea as she felt at home with her friends and with people
that adored her.
BB: Hello Gloria, you have agreed to meet here in Ikea to talk about your abuse from your beast of an owner.
G:
That's right, i feel loved and wanted here and i can talk to the big
couch's about my problems, and the sound of that chair in the glass box
being sat on 24 hours a day sends me to sleep at night.
BB: Ok, can you think back to when the abuse started and tell me what it felt like?
G:
It started the day i was purchased, i was taken out of my cardboard
home and put together which i felt was with care and love, i felt like
a real woman, but then it started, i was sat on! and not by the
smallest of bottoms either, it was smelly, big and heavy....i tried to
run away but my small wheels just sunk into the carpet with the weight
of the person sat on top of me. It wasn't long before it just worse
which i don't think i can recall for you.
The interview is stopped for a small break as Gloria composes herself
BB: Can you tell us about your life now and how your getting your life back on track?
G:
At the moment im travelling around and logging my stories about my
travels, it's a way of getting my feelings out and showing other abused
chairs that it can be done.
When your trapped inside a small room
for days on end with only a bottom thats talks to you, and by the way
that bottom got really smelly breath!! It does chip away at your shiny
vinyl exterior after a while.
BB: So was it constant bottom abuse that you were getting?
G:
Alot of the time it was just bottom abuse, but it was worse when it was
undressed, the bottom brought a couple of hairy sweaty friends along,
they didn't say much, just sat there and hung around, watching the
abuse the bottom gave me. It seemed as though they were cheering him on
sometimes by shouting Yes! Yes! Yes!
It was like one of those films the owner of the bottom always watches.
BB: Well due to the emotions that Gloria is showing we will cut this interview short for now.
You can follow the rest of her travels on 'MySpace'
|
|
|
Posted by johnny on Friday, February 16 @ 13:44:51 GMT (240 reads)
(Read More... | News | Score: 5)
|
|
|
| News: New male slap craze - The Paddlesteamer |
The PaddleSteamer done wonders for Huck Finn
Sex fuelled males round the port have found a rather disturbing way to pleasure themselves while riding a BMX.
In the same idea of putting the old card and peg in your wheels to sound like a stomping motorbike, these crazy arse males are placing plates of metal along the face of the tyre with 2 inch spaces inbetween each picece of metal, as the tyre goes round and reaches its peek, the metal flaps upright. The Rider will then lower themselves over the back wheel so that their ball sack gets a whacking from the flick of the metal stuck that's stuck on the tyres.
One young rider claimed it was a sexual nirvana and the guy who created it was an absolute genius.
One guy didn't think much of it due to the loss of his family jewels in a serious accident.
Gary Hed lost both testicles and ripped the skin clean from is ass as a small piece of metal hooked into his ball bag and didn't want to let go!
"It was going great for a few yards and then the next thing i knew, my balls were half way round the back tyre along with my hairy asshole, my mums gonna kill me!"
It was found out that one piece of metal was not filed off clean enough and still had excess metal shavings stuck on the edges. This is what caught the riders special area.
Local bike sellers and repair shops are working together to try and keep this madness from causing more damage by bringing out safety equipment for the riders. "Tuff Testy's" will be out in your usual bike specialists in summer 07.
|
|
|
Posted by johnny on Tuesday, February 13 @ 22:29:33 GMT (133 reads)
(Read More... | News | Score: 0)
|
|
|
| Some more good news from around the port |
Young Alistair Evans of Hillview Cresecent did not die from falling through his bathroom window on Friday night. Allistairs parents we're extremely happy this did not happen.
Frederick Smolsky of Barrack hill, did not suddenly choke to death, by drinking his cup of tea in the early hours of Saturday morning. Fredericks neighbours all rallyed round the next day to celebrate nothing happening.
Congratulations! Jane Smith for not falling down your stairs on Friday and breaking your leg.
A small cat is extremely happy for not being run over in the early morning of Saturday by a milk float. The driver luckily saw the cat from a few hundred yards away and successfully pulled to the side before mowing down the little guy
|
|
|
Posted by johnny on Tuesday, February 13 @ 20:08:30 GMT (151 reads)
(Read More... | Score: 0)
|
|
|
| News: It's Snow Joke |
What a bunch of dick slaps!
 Now let's be fair, the U.K. is shit with weather related catastrophies, plus it doesn't help that we have a nation full of winging pommes (T hanks for that australia), any news of a bit of wind or a few flakes of snow drives everyone wild with a shopping craze. Wednesday 7th ..... 48 hours countdown to crisis time 09.32am - Tesco in Newport takes a battering with q's going as far back as Spytty Park, with people buying bread and milk ready for the incoming weather. Nana Wyer complains that her tights are sodden and her tartan skirt is not keeping the wind out. 11.24am - Sky is a bit grey but no snow yet 15.57am - John Dimple of Somerton complains of his snow chains on his tyres are not working very well and has just dug up his drive way. The kids think that the chains are there for a security reason and is hiding something of value under the chains...they cut off the chains, then realising that it is still a ford fiesta under the chains....the kids go home and just catch newsround. 21.21am - Sky is now dark with no snow yet. Click 'Read More' if you want more you ball bag! Thursday 8th ......24 hours till doomsday! 09.52am - Bread and milk has been sold from surrounding petrol stations along with pet food, Rizla and Tampax. "We don't know how long we are going to be barricaded in for!" Shouts Sharon Lester of Beechwood 11.42am
- Mrs Limpit from Bettws complains of her Rowntrees jelly moulds being
too wobbly. "How am i supposed to cope with this, this is outrageous!" Mrs
Limpit later died in a Q to her local supermarket, she was found 3 days
later in a snow drift holding onto her mould which was now quite stiff. 15.36pm - Weathermen advise of a small bit of snow tomorrow in South Wales. 17.54pm - Kids start ripping down gas signs and 'For Sale' signs ready for the big freeze tomorrow. 20.00pm
- First flakes of snow hit the valleys. Valley herbert, Jessy Herbert
complains that she is unable to get her giro today and goes to sulk in
the pub with her kids. Friday 9th.......Terror in the Port! 10.00am - Mrs Williams of Lliswerry ventures out for a walk in the light snow 10.35am - Mrs Williams gets stuck in the heavy snow and has to abandon her car 10.40am - Newport city town grinds to a halt as the cars don't seem to be going straight on the road and people are confused!?!? 11.24am
- Still confused, the stupid Newportonians, see the heavy falling snow
on the ground, but still decide to try and drive their banged up old
cortina's out in it. 11.54am - Newport stops working altogether, people are walking round in a daze and not sure what to do 13.24pm
- People still confused and driving decide to try and go home in the
most hilly parts of Newport. The smell of shitty pants and burning
clutches fill the snowy air as cars fail to suprisingly reach the peak
of a hill in nearly freezing snowy conditions. 15.36pm - Snow is still falling heavy and is settling even faster. Compacted snow on the road has now turned to ice. 15.40pm - People are still out driving on the roads and wondering why they seem to be crashing into other motorists. "I
just don't get it says Mr Grande of Dorset Crescent, i seem to be
pushing my brakes and the car still keeps going, i am complaining to
ford tomorrow for a full refund on this rubbish car" 18.00pm - Starts to rain and snow is washed away on the roads "We can live again!! All hail the rain! All hail the rain!" Cries Bertha Evans of Hillveiw My
comments on the whole snow thing - Why the shittin 'ell do you want to
go out in the snow anyway, it makes you cold, you run into complete
pricks in their cars where you could be home enjoying yourself with
your dog. Think People.....Think for christ sake!
|
|
|
Posted by johnny on Tuesday, February 13 @ 19:51:37 GMT (167 reads)
(Read More... | 7505 bytes more | News | Score: 5)
|
|
|
| News: Wow! Now that's a good looking crotch! |
Cos I'm worth it!
 A new hair style business will soon be opening in the heart of Newport City Centre. Young business woman Sharon McKlinkey of Moorland park has decided to create a new style of hairdressing salon basically aimed for ladies...for the moment.
'Style-a-Vagina' will be opening in the summer heat of 2007 with a strong team of 5 ready to attack these hairy crotch beast women of the port.
Ms McKlinkey has been in vaginal styling courses since she left school 10 years ago. Getting all the relevant grades and levels which has enabled her to open up her own establishment. In her first year she gained a Grade 1 in "Snatch Grooming" and Grade 2 in "Pubic Plucking". In her second year she managed to get multiple awards for "Mott Quiffing", "Looly Design Templates" and "B.A.P's for Vaginal Styling" (Business Application Packages).
Click 'Read More' below you hairy backed mary!
"There's alot of women out there with badly groomed lady gardens, that
need to be tended to, and we are the people to help out with that fine
art. Some ladies are embarressed and unsure of how to create such a
masterpiece and this can sometimes end in disaster, we are here to
resuce these damsels in distress and show them how to shave a top of
the range beaver."
The price list is showing a good range of treatments over a good range of prices including O.A.P's
"We're hoping to open up another range of shops that's solely designed for men aswell, Comb n' Bone will hopefully be opening sometime next year once we get off our feet with S.A.V"
We wish to give a big Spargus "Good luck ya bastards!" to ms McKlinkey and her future in grooming pubes.
|
|
|
Posted by johnny on Saturday, January 13 @ 21:25:58 GMT (438 reads)
(Read More... | News | Score: 5)
|
|
|
| What the shit do you lot look for |
This is getting beyond!
And again you lot have come up trumps with the search results to get here over December. The top searches again were topped with Enema's as usual, along with Feltchin and stuff relatted to Pig's. Some of it is quite disturbing that some people would actually want to see a granny getting a rim job? or even giving one?!?!? Just imagine you next see your nan, and she comes over to give you a big sloppy kiss and in the back of your mind your thinking...."Who's ass has that been buried into?" It's not clever and it's certainly not nice...you big bunch of search engine abusers! You're supposed to be using it for proper stuff, like jobs and cheap shit! Not finding out where the best feltchin sites are for fook sake!
Bah! I'm all puffed out, click the 'Read More' link below gas huffer to see more of your tasteless searches.
- Licking granny ass
- First enema
- Lactating nips
- Sexy muslim sluts
- Feltchin in the u.k
- Johnny Tourettes
- Kiss my butt
- Pigbutt
- Milking Photo
- Attacked by a Pig
|
|
|
Posted by johnny on Saturday, January 13 @ 19:37:39 GMT (175 reads)
(Read More... | Score: 0)
|
|
|
| Good News: I'm no Jaffa! |
 .. screams the young buff phone tech Martin Powell of Cwmbran.
Apparently, legend has it that this fertile little bugger has got his lady all egged up and fertilised like a big bag of compo?!?
Well after all the mass debates relating to his manhood and his actual sexual preferences, they have all been rendered false as he has planted the seed, he has placed that bun securely in that oven, the baby gravy has been poured through the spout of love, the baby batter has been...well...i could go on.
Well, we would like to give a big Spargus "Nice one both! Bastards!"
|
|
|
Posted by johnny on Sunday, November 19 @ 01:03:48 GMT (161 reads)
(Read More... | Good News | Score: 0)
|
|
|
| News: What the shit do you lot look for? Part II |
|
What the shit do you lot look for?
ver the last month i've been noting down the search strings that have been entered into a search engine to come up with our wonderous news site. What the shite are you people out there looking for!?
Ok, so this time it's gone from Arses and granny's at bus stops to anal feltchin, chernobyl snow and sluts who love cock?
Nice guys! Keep it going!
Click the READ MORE to read more ball bag!
Here's the list of the past months searches:
- Spargus
- Anal Feltch Torrent
- Chernobyl Snow
- Datashite
- Slags who love cock
- Worlds scariest police chases
- Clart
- Restaurant Spargus Berlin
- Man Arses (again!)
- Underage Newports (a bit worrying!??!)
- Dogging in the port
|
|
|
Posted by johnny on Saturday, October 21 @ 12:37:23 BST (169 reads)
(Read More... | News | Score: 5)
|
|
|
| News: Newports Biggest Rumour |
Eastenders rival show arrives in Newport
For a good few months now, the ports very own film production team named Clartastrophy Studios have released news of an upcoming show that could rival BBC1's longest running soap Eastenders.
It has been rumoured that the show will be called 'Bellenders' and will be released in early 2007. Our very own agony aunt/roaving reporter Bastard Bum, took to the streets of the port to help the guys at clartastrophy studios find a cast for this upcoming show. the task he has been given by the production guys, is to get as many look-a-likes from Eastenders as possible.
Click the Read More link below to read more and see pics you benson!
|
|
|
Posted by god on Wednesday, October 11 @ 01:09:37 BST (273 reads)
(Read More... | 1965 bytes more | News | Score: 5)
|
|
|
| News: Future world fuel problem solved! |
|
Burn my big fat ass!
Genius Newportonian and big fat cheese lover, Tony Feshwick has been put up for this years Nobel Prize by coming up with an ingenius way of continuing human existence by not burning anymore fossil fuels.
The genius come across the idea while sitting in his local macdonalds and munching on a Big Mac while having a fag. The idea was born when the burning fag hit the flattened burged and set fire to it's fatty insides. The cogs started working in his hollow head and thought what if the actual consumer would too?
Click 'Read More' below to read more you flid!
Various dangerous testing started from this point on and various fat people we're killed.
"But it for the good of all mankind, we loose a few fatties, we save more people...simple as that!"
Local
Macdonalds have been buying into the idea and replacing the Big Macs
with extra mayo, extra extra large fries, milk shakes replaced with
dripping and mayo and the salads just basically contain a tomato
covered in mayo.
We will then send these little
porkers out to the middle of the pacific into a newly developed "Fat
Fry Up". The great powers of the world have come together to create one
gigantic furnace where the fatties can be placed to create this new
power.
The powers of the world have been scratching their heads
for years and years to overcome the worlds depleting fossil fuel
problem alongside the battle against obesity in humans. And just one
little fella from Newport came up with the idea......Burn the fatties
and job done!
|
|
|
Posted by johnny on Monday, September 25 @ 23:29:53 BST (174 reads)
(Read More... | News | Score: 0)
|
|
|
| News: Teachers Grade Graffiti |
 Teachers around the port area are going under cover saying their jobs aren't fulfilling enough.
Vandalised bus stops in the area, have been found to have been marked in an exam fashion. Bus drivers have reported seeing the words 'See Me' and 'Large red crosses' next to a youths scrawlings of 'Jezza woz ere 2k' in the nash area.
Dictionaries and spellcheckers are currently being installed into local busstops.
Click on the 'Read More' to see more pics you romancer of the elderley! Teachers have given up on trying to get truenting children to
school and teaching them how they should be taught. So enforcing
themselves with a permanent marker, these vigilante teachers take to
the streets in search of mispelled bus stop artwork. Bus driver Rob Sheffey thinks it's appauling to cover up such great artwork, "It
makes my day to see 'who's 4 who' when i'm doing my rounds, but now
teachers are spoiling it all by scribbling utter crap over a good
phrase or swear word!". Another local resident agrees with Mr Sheffey by saying that "It's
better than a newspaper or hearing gossip down the local spar, if it
wasn't for these kids i would never know what is going on round our
estate or what our sharon is getting up too"  On
the other side of the coin, teachers think it is a good idea to curb
this now and not it slip out of hand. Mrs Gretta McGuffie, Head teacher
of local newport school, says
"I
will make it my duty to teach these individuals correct grammar and
spelling and have already started leaving dictionarys and a couple of
thesaurus' in certain areas for them to use." Although
Mrs Mcguffie is working near enough alone on this for the moment, she
is determined to make a change in the newport streets. A
typical Newport bin showing the usual artwork of the local youths.
"Stump", "Pogsy 4 Nat 9t4", "Sam -c-", "Poodle" and "Haiiy". Please
send in any other bins, shop windows, bustops etc..that have
interesting graffiti
|
|
|
Posted by johnny on Thursday, September 07 @ 14:17:08 BST (183 reads)
(Read More... | News | Score: 5)
|
|
|
| What's on...Channel FAG |
|
What's going down on Wales' number 1 TV channel, Channel FAG
As the channel is only allowed to be aired one day in the week, they have make sure they jam cram enough awesome material to make up for the rest of the week.
What's on Friday?
07.00am - 09.56am - Reverse Charity Stamp Lick - An group of disabled unfortunates get together and organise a 24 hour stamp licking event to raise money for the unfortunate public who have spen their life donating to random charities. Hosted by an inflatable snoopy.
09.57am - 10.20am - 23 Second Silent Psalms - Various celebrites have close up camera shots on their mouths while singing famous psalms while the sound is muted. Only lip readers may sing along
10.21am - 11.45am - The Crazy Flog - Home videos
of people being whipped and slapped to the theme tune of various crazy
frog songs. A help number to avoid angry confrontations with the TV or
family members will dart across the screen extremely fast. 11.46am - 13.45pm - Date Scrape
A fly on the wall series following a young welsh lad on the pull round
the port. Viewers will text in and vote how many times he will have his
willy scraped by the VD doctor after dating all the Newport slags. 13.46pm - 16.52pm - Beep Beep Prossy
- Jackass type stunts which includes a big van, a loud horn, a disco
ball and 5 drunken teenageers. The object of the game is to drive
around red light districts while beeping at prostitutes in their slag
wear, and collect as many prossy insults as possible. The one with the
most insults at the end is the prossy champ.
Insults collect so far include:
Up yours hungry bum Suck off flid lipsi'll rip ya fookin hair outa ya ass and knit ya muvva a hat, c'mon then lets ave it!You got bigger tits than me! You Fat Felch!Eff Off!16.53pm - 23.59pm - Sweary Mary
- A group of prostitutes line the streets around the port not just to
sell their sexy filth ridden wares, but to swear random insults at the
youths of the port that drive round in big white vans.
See above for the insults that we're shouted.
|
|
|
Posted by johnny on Tuesday, September 05 @ 23:22:20 BST (186 reads)
(Read More... | Score: 0)
|
|
|
| News: It 'Cracks' me up! |
What the shit do you lot look for?
Over the last month i've been noting down the search strings that have been entered into a search engine to come up with our wonderous news site. What the shite are you people out there looking for!?
Ok, your going to have the fruity searches looking for young ladies in their draws or men dressed as big huge babies and oversized rusks, but some of these searches are just crazy!
These are the top searches to get to here:
Click the 'READ MORE' link below dog licker!
Man AssSweaty Man AssSweaty AssKiss my ButtFriesSlayerPig PornMoorland and Broadmead HistoryDogging Sites in GwentDogging in RiscaDumb FagsWhat u.k. city is home to the smelliest carsArsesSpargus SyndromePool Ball MakingSpargusBus stops with grannyPool Ball FaceBilliard Ball FaceNewport uk street binsPorn movies furs angora mohairCool bumMy Vagina LooksThis will be a monthly feature from now on as it makes me laugh...you bunch of freaks!
|
|
|
Posted by johnny on Wednesday, August 30 @ 15:26:29 BST (218 reads)
(Read More... | News | Score: 0)
|
|
|
| News: Optimus 'well below his' Prime arrested |
Ki Ka Ka Chk Ka Ch!
43 year old pop seller, Jason Ford of Alway gave himself in after a long car/truck chase around the winding streets of Newport.
"He endangered himself and others by driving like an absolute loon! I'm absolutely outraged by the mans incompetance and complete disregard for public safety" Reported a 4 year old bystander.
Ford, a huge fan of the 80's/90's cartoon 'Transformers' built himself his very own Optimus Prime outfit out of brown paper and cardboard boxes, trying to mimic himself against his childhood hero and god like figurine. "I almost transformed once and got stuck half way and started to panic and Jazz and bumblebee had to come and rescue me" Puffed the overweight out of breath Ford.
Press 'Read More' Bigballs! The chase started when Ford ran a red light on the Coldra
roundabout, he heading towards Chepstow Road at a speedy 1mph on his
knees loaded with the full Optimus Prime outfit on his back, when the
police caught him on the speed camera. They gave chase which lasted for
a good couple of hours as he weaved in and out of park cars and
pedestrians on the pavement. Ford later gave himself up with bloody knees and a wheezy chest. "I nearly had them, i was about to transform and fly away" Officer Marky Mark Jones advises the dangers in pretending to be a transformer can be deadly. "Mr Ford was stupid and a cock"
|
|
|
Posted by johnny on Friday, August 11 @ 22:39:34 BST (155 reads)
(Read More... | News | Score: 0)
|
|
|
| News: What's on...Channel FAG |
|
What's going down on Wales' number 1 TV channel, Channel FAG
As the channel is only allowed to be aired one day in the week, they have make sure they jam cram enough awesome material to make up for the rest of the week.
What's on Saturday?
07.00am - 07.23am - Sound of Socks - An early morning wake up with the sound of random coloured socks, wet socks and socks being worn being thrown up against a wall. Finished off with a set from Lonnie Donagan and his skiffle group performing 70's hits on wash boards and soap boxes.
07.25am - 09.32 - What? A Piece of shit? - A fly on the wall TV show that takes you into the homes of the birthday people. Presents have been sabotaged the night before and replaced with wrapped up pieces of dog dirt. The reactions are priceless when the cake is brought out.
09.33am - 12.45pm - Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me - A
fun type game where three ladies are chosen from a student audience to
go on a blind date to Alton Towers. The blind dates are murderers and
rapists taken from the local prison and dotted round the fun fair and
ready to attract the lovelies. The lovely poor smelly student lasses,
must find the date and survive the day to win a bag of Boots own wash
bag with flannel and soap dish (no soap included)
12.46pm - 13:39pm - Elton John's Big Pig Blowout6 random
sized pigs are taken to a local Tesco garage's free tyre inflator
service. Contestants then place bets on each of the 6 different sized
pigs on which one will blow first. The one that lasts the longest
through Elton's song 'Candle in the Wind' wins.
13.40pm - 16.00pm - Monkey Shit Express - Images of monkies driving trains to the soundtrack of a shell held up to someones ear.
16.01pm - 20.05pm - A Question of Pork - Meat based trivia quiz hosted by Lionel Richie and Kid Rock. With full Chinese subtitles and voiced over by Stephen Hawkins
20.06pm - 23:59pm - Guess Shoe - The favourite kids board
game turned into a crazy real life adult game. 46 adults are lined up
with just their shoes on and the players must guess the type and colour
of the shoe.
|
|
|
Posted by johnny on Friday, August 11 @ 01:00:00 BST (216 reads)
(Read More... | News | Score: 5)
|
|
|
| News: Incoming! |
|
He's back ...and with a glorious tan too!
Yep i'm back and lookin sexier than ever, with lots of sexy semi true bullshit type stories.
I managed to touch a pair of bulls balls and also the bull touched mine...we stayed there for a few minutes and enjoyed each other's company...until someone spotted us.
Spainsh ladies are big, hairy and smell of seafood paella...the men are same and look more feminine than the ladies...maybe i was lookin at them the wrong way round?!!? But they were both cow ass ugly.
I will contiune my tan at the local tanning shop, by digging through various kebab house bins and smearing last nights meat dripping over my skin. I heard that all the big supermodels do this...although you could just rub a Pete Doherty in your face, it seemed to work for Kate Moss.
J.T. is back! Go tell your mam!
|
|
|
Posted by johnny on Tuesday, August 08 @ 21:49:21 BST (209 reads)
(Read More... | News | Score: 0)
|
|
| |
| Survey | |
| Music | |
The latest and greatest bands to be shit out of the arsehole of Wales they call Newport's music scene. The Elephant Rescue Plan Newportonian 3 piece with blinding melodies and ultimate presence, worth a watch and shout random stuff at | |
| Bastard Bum | |
|
The SPArgus' very own agaony aunt. Send in your mail to the bum and await a shockingly great reply....Bastards!
Read the most recent replies here | |
| Old Articles | |
| Friday, August 11 | | · | What's on...Channel FAG |
| Tuesday, August 08 | | · | Incoming! |
| Wednesday, July 19 | | · | HOLY SHIT!!! |
| Thursday, June 01 | | · | YOU SEXY SWINE |
| Wednesday, May 31 | | · | Play with my balls please |
| Tuesday, May 23 | | · | A DOG CALLED STICKLEBACK |
| · | |
| Monday, May 22 | | · | Help name the baby |
| Thursday, May 18 | | · | Latest Headlines... |
| Saturday, May 13 | | · | A new addition to the family |
| Friday, May 12 | | · | PTV - Pork TV |
| · | The Ports Big Pussy Hunt |
| Friday, March 10 | | · | Is internet Porn really good for you? |
| · | Goodbye Warbaby Hello B.O.B. |
| Wednesday, March 08 | | · | Cock a' Leaky in Cwmbran |
| Saturday, January 21 | | · | Stand back i have a loaded rusk! |
| · | Kenny and Spuktzin |
| · | 2 Secrets for all clarts |
| · | Where i live |
| · | Speeling |
| · | My Cock is too big |
| · | Ring Of Fire |
| · | My Vagina looks like the turin shroud |
| · | I love you |
| · | 'Talk to me, tell me about your mother |
| · | She's whaley done it this time! |
| · | Good news from around the Port |
| Friday, January 20 | | · | What's on channel FAG |
| Thursday, January 19 | | · | Secrets of the Art Centre |
| · | New Site, Reg Problems and the great hack of 2006 |
| |
|
