They have finally done it! They have got out of their bedroom 

and gone and done their own thang. The Datashite Brothers have

collected all their ideas, consoles and pocket money and gone off

and got their own website:

www.datashitebros.co.uk

Not only are they creating their own games still but now they are reviewing

other peoples and other consoles merchandise.

Just remember they are still from Newport and can't spell for shite or

string any sentences together.

Newports answer to Dita Von Teese.

Young Ex - technical support guru Daleneo Heavenester, has dropped the headset and keyboard and taken up performing as a slutty burlesque dancer round the back alleys and school bike sheds of Newport.


 

Heavenester worked as curious and frustrated male until the summer of 2006 when he got himself sponsored by Happy Shopper and earn himself a nice little pile of money to get his sex change operation round the back of his local Spar by famous lady gardener Barry Peter.

"I was so scared but excited at the same time, but i think i've made the right choice now and enjoy trimming my lady garden, one time i made it look like shaggy dog, and with my staples and stitches still in it looked like he was growling"

Heavenester, has recently teamed up with Newports latest rentboy in the city to star in a new 'Get Fit' DVD from Clartastrophy Studios called "Fistin' Fit". Rumours are floating round that a webcam flick of these two performing a copycat version of "2 girls 1 cup", instead called
 "2 gays 1 Bucket". Ratings have gone through the roof at hosts www.youlube.com who had to install 2 new servers to cope with the bandwidth.

"The DVD is a blast, i can get right up to my elbow now" - Barry Peter

"It's even better with 3d glasses on, it's like the fist actually comes right at you" - Trevor McDonald

"We started up tours with the couple of this masterpiece" - Wookey Hole tour guides

What's going down on Wales' number 1 TV channel, Channel FAG

As the channel is only allowed to be aired one day in the week, they have make sure they jam cram enough awesome material to make up for the rest of the week.

What's on Friday?

07:40 - 08:21 - Kiddies corner with PussBag - 70's remake of the lovable cat has turned nasty with a new replacement of an oversized manx cat that has pnuemonia.

Special effects by Speilbergs Industrial Light and Magic

08:22 - 11:48 - Supermarket Sweep's Cash Dash - A Fly on the wall series following the real life robberies of Ex kids TV Puppet Sweep from Sooty, Sue and Sweep. Camera men will follow the puppet on various supermarket robberies while Sooty narrates through the ear of Dennis Waterman.

11:49 - 12:30 - Willow and Weeman's Offground Tag - These two shorter than normal human beings are placed into an oversized environment where climbing is impossible. Very quick game ending, rest of the show filled up with the 49 Scat Dancers of Arabia. Disneyland waterproof clothing available for audience.

Referee - John what his face from Gladiators on ITV "Threeeee twooooo oneeeeee , GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"

12:31 - 13:14 - Wii Wankers - Cleverley designed gameshow by Hiro Naga Tugsak of Splott. Each contestant must wank off the pixelated penis by using the newly created IPii, until the animated Jet Set Willy type character ejeculates his 32bit load over the trailing contestants.

The winner gets full virtual bukkake experience from the other contestants.

13:15 - 15:00 - I-Baby - A crazy long documentry seen through the eys of a small child. Lots of close ups of lactating nipples and scabby areola's.

Narrated by John Travolta as Mikey from Look who's talking. Random flashy scary scenes of man beast Kirsty Alley.

15:01 - 21:00 - 'Bugger all' till 9 - Scenes of buggery till nine o'clock. Hosted by GOATSE and Cliff Richard.

Music composed and performed by Jean-Claude Van Damme and a Casiotone MT205.

21:01 - Close - Britney, Whitney and Pitney play Shitknee - A game of keep ups with a hacky sack shaped turd thrown into the ring with the famous trio. Britney Spears, Whitney Houston and Gene Pitney all play together to keep the turd in the air. Last one left is the shittiest knee champion.

Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark perform alongside Chas and Dave in a one off special Pearly dance off. Music performed by Ironside, Hunter, Magnum, Stringfellow Hawk and Lee Majors backing music by the Glen A Larson and Donald Bellisario Skiffle group.

After party DJ'ing by Stephen J Cannell and the A-Team dancers.

What's going down on Wales' number 1 TV channel, Channel FAG

As the channel is only allowed to be aired one day in the week, they have make sure they jam cram enough awesome material to make up for the rest of the week.

What's on Friday?

9:00 - 11:00 - Dick Slap Roundabout - Groups of large endowned men stand naked on the edge of a playground roundabout and spun at top speed. The object of the game is to get the game contestant to reach the middle of the roundabout with out getting dicked in the face by the spinning naked schlong wearers.

Hosted by a Trevor McDonald look-a-like

11:01 - 12:34 - Teddy Ruxpin's Wheels of steel on a meals on wheels deal - A fly on the wall documentry of good hearted Teddy Ruxpin driving around old folks home with pawfuls of dinners for the old aged. He will then spin his wheels of steel and play the unsuspecting crowds of hungry grans 10 seconds of hardcore trance. If they get the track artist and title correct they win a dinner for 1

12:35 - 12:36 - 1 Minute Feltch - Warning flashing images of feltching for 1 minute
Soundtrack by Al Jolson singing 'Mammy'

12.37 - 14:37 - Mills and Boon love hour - Down and out Star Wars actor Mark Hammill narrates 1 hour of Mills and Boon love scenes.

Soundtrack from Star Wars

14.38 - 15:30 - What's the time Mr Wolff? - German teacher Hans Wolff answers real life phonecalls from viewers asking the time for 52 minutes.

Soundtrack - Countdown clock noise for 52 minutes

15.31 - 18:00 - Crappers Delight - Homevideo show of students filming themselves rapping and crapping in the privacy of their own loo's to the song of rappers delight made famous by The Sugar Hill Gang. People the phone in with their votes on the best crapper

18.01 - 20:00 - The only way is pup - 80's dance songtress Yazz, hosts a show about launching lonley RSPCA bound dogs into space on the back of homemade rockets fuelled by mentos and cola.

Guest appearance by Elton John singing Rocket Man

20.01 - 23:59 - Gran Bang - Late night adult viewing of a room full of grannies in various adult stretched positions. Kilted skirts and mohair angora sweaters included.

Guest appearance by Supergran and nana from The Royle Family

"We have put OPRAH into different types of troubling scenarios, where she reacted totally different in each case, all with a successful outcome.

We have been given a copy of OPRAH here at the SPArgus office's and have been tinkering about with it all day.

"It's great, no matter how big or small you shrink it, it still looks the same" - Johnny Tourettes, Editor

"I can happilly view porn in the comfort of of my own pants now, without worrying that i'm being watched" Bastard Bum, Agony Aunt

"Can i play with OPRAH, Pleaeeeeeeaasse!!!! awww go on" - Bill Gates, CEO Microsoft

As the channel is only allowed to be aired one day in the week, they have make sure they jam cram enough awesome material to make up for the rest of the week.

What's on Friday?

07.00am - 09.56am - It's Wee Wii Time - A look into the male gay world of gaming with dead host John Inman. Naked buff bears battle it out with their Wii in one hand and while flashing their wee in the other. Local fetish band 'Buttplugger' play the theme music.

09.57am - 11.59am - This will put the wind up ya! - Homemade videos of reckless students breaking into people dorms in the middle of the night to tape the reaction of their unsuspecting friends. Once in the dorm, a Halfords double barrelled foot pump is slowly inserted into the anus of the sleeping student, the gauge is then set to 0 and the pump started. The winner is the most pressure they can get up the arse of the student before waking them or blowing them up.

12.00pm - 1.25pm - Glory Glory Hail a Julia - Game for a laugh-esque gameshow where old worn out comedians stand on the side of the road waiting for people that look like someone called Julia. the then pelt them with home made ice balls while singing annoying hymns. No real Julias were actually hurt in this game only fake ones.

1.26pm - 6.13pm - Sit on this - A few hours of a conveyeur rolling a few hundred chairs across it's belt to repeated theme music of Bonanza

6.14pm - 6.15pm - Don't Breath! - For one whole minute. The screen will show a timer counting down for minute.

6.16pm - 8.00pm - Hack This Nerd! - Real life nerds are put together into a logging a community to see how much of a living they can make by hacking trees with their keyboards and computer peripherals. A follow up show will be made later this year with the logging community coming to the nerd encampment and trying to hack their machines with their axes.

Hosted by Teddy Ruxpin and Zorro

8.01pm - 11.11pm - Dawg eat Dawg - Canabilistic documentry of the goings on in the back alleys of 8 mile road, Detroit. Rap Commentry by Vanilla Ice

11.12pm - Close - 48 Minute hum - What do you think?

What a bunch of dick slaps!

Now let's be fair, the U.K. is shit with weather related catastrophies, plus it doesn't help that we have a nation full of winging pommes (Thanks for that australia), any news of a bit of wind or a few flakes of snow drives everyone wild with a shopping craze.

Wednesday 7th ..... 48 hours countdown to crisis time

09.32am - Tesco in Newport takes a battering with q's going as far back as Spytty Park, with people buying bread and milk ready for the incoming weather. Nana Wyer complains that her tights are sodden and her tartan skirt is not keeping the wind out.

11.24am - Sky is a bit grey but no snow yet

15.57am - John Dimple of Somerton complains of his snow chains on his tyres are not working very well and has just dug up his drive way. The kids think that the chains are there for a security reason and is hiding something of value under the chains...they cut off the chains, then realising that it is still a ford fiesta under the chains....the kids go home and just catch newsround.

21.21am - Sky is now dark with no snow yet.

Click 'Read More' if you want more you ball bag!

Thursday 8th ......24 hours till doomsday!

09.52am - Bread and milk has been sold from surrounding petrol stations along with pet food, Rizla and Tampax.

"We don't know how long we are going to be barricaded in for!" Shouts Sharon Lester of Beechwood

11.42am - Mrs Limpit from Bettws complains of her Rowntrees jelly moulds being too wobbly. "How am i supposed to cope with this, this is outrageous!"
Mrs Limpit later died in a Q to her local supermarket, she was found 3 days later in a snow drift holding onto her mould which was now quite stiff.

15.36pm - Weathermen advise of a small bit of snow tomorrow in South Wales.

17.54pm - Kids start ripping down gas signs and 'For Sale' signs ready for the big freeze tomorrow.

20.00pm - First flakes of snow hit the valleys. Valley herbert, Jessy Herbert complains that she is unable to get her giro today and goes to sulk in the pub with her kids.

Friday 9th.......Terror in the Port!

10.00am - Mrs Williams of Lliswerry ventures out for a walk in the light snow

10.35am - Mrs Williams gets stuck in the heavy snow and has to abandon her car

10.40am - Newport city town grinds to a halt as the cars don't seem to be going straight on the road and people are confused!?!?

11.24am - Still confused, the stupid Newportonians, see the heavy falling snow on the ground, but still decide to try and drive their banged up old cortina's out in it.

11.54am - Newport stops working altogether, people are walking round in a daze and not sure what to do

13.24pm - People still confused and driving decide to try and go home in the most hilly parts of Newport. The smell of shitty pants and burning clutches fill the snowy air as cars fail to suprisingly reach the peak of a hill in nearly freezing snowy conditions.

15.36pm - Snow is still falling heavy and is settling even faster. Compacted snow on the road has now turned to ice.

15.40pm - People are still out driving on the roads and wondering why they seem to be crashing into other motorists.

"I just don't get it says Mr Grande of Dorset Crescent, i seem to be pushing my brakes and the car still keeps going, i am complaining to ford tomorrow for a full refund on this rubbish car"

18.00pm - Starts to rain and snow is washed away on the roads

"We can live again!! All hail the rain! All hail the rain!" Cries Bertha Evans of Hillveiw

My comments on the whole snow thing - Why the shittin 'ell do you want to go out in the snow anyway, it makes you cold, you run into complete pricks in their cars where you could be home enjoying yourself with your dog. Think People.....Think for christ sake!

This is getting beyond!

And again you lot have come up trumps with the search results to get here over December.

The top searches again were topped with Enema's as usual, along with Feltchin and stuff relatted to Pig's.
Some of it is quite disturbing that some people would actually want to see a granny getting a rim job? or even giving one?!?!? Just imagine you next see your nan, and she comes over to give you a big sloppy kiss and in the back of your mind your thinking...."Who's ass has that been buried into?"

It's not clever and it's certainly not nice...you big bunch of search engine abusers! You're supposed to be using it for proper stuff, like jobs and cheap shit! Not finding out where the best feltchin sites are for fook sake!

What the shit do you lot look for?

ver the last month i've been noting down the search strings that have been entered into a search engine to come up with our wonderous news site. What the shite are you people out there looking for!?

Ok, so this time it's gone from Arses and granny's at bus stops to anal feltchin, chernobyl snow and sluts who love cock?

Nice guys! Keep it going!

Click the READ MORE to read more ball bag!

Here's the list of the past months searches:

Burn my big fat ass!

Genius Newportonian and big fat cheese lover, Tony Feshwick has been put up for this years Nobel Prize by coming up with an ingenius way of continuing human existence by not burning anymore fossil fuels.

The genius come across the idea while sitting in his local macdonalds and munching on a Big Mac while having a fag. The idea was born when the burning fag hit the flattened burged and set fire to it's fatty insides. The cogs started working in his hollow head and thought what if the actual consumer would too?

Various dangerous testing started from this point on and various fat people we're killed.

"But it for the good of all mankind, we loose a few fatties, we save more people...simple as that!"

Local Macdonalds have been buying into the idea and replacing the Big Macs with extra mayo, extra extra large fries, milk shakes replaced with dripping and mayo and the salads just basically contain a tomato covered in mayo.

We will then send these little porkers out to the middle of the pacific into a newly developed "Fat Fry Up". The great powers of the world have come together to create one gigantic furnace where the fatties can be placed to create this new power.

The powers of the world have been scratching their heads for years and years to overcome the worlds depleting fossil fuel problem alongside the battle against obesity in humans. And just one little fella from Newport came up with the idea......Burn the fatties and job done!

Teachers around the port area are going under cover saying their jobs aren't fulfilling enough.

Vandalised bus stops in the area, have been found to have been marked in an exam fashion. Bus drivers have reported seeing the words 'See Me' and 'Large red crosses' next to a youths scrawlings of 'Jezza woz ere 2k' in the nash area.

Dictionaries and spellcheckers are currently being installed into local busstops.

Click on the 'Read More' to see more pics you romancer of the elderley!

As the channel is only allowed to be aired one day in the week, they have make sure they jam cram enough awesome material to make up for the rest of the week.

What's on Friday?

07.00am - 09.56am - Reverse Charity Stamp Lick - An group of disabled unfortunates get together and organise a 24 hour stamp licking event to raise money for the unfortunate public who have spen their life donating to random charities. Hosted by an inflatable snoopy.

09.57am - 10.20am - 23 Second Silent Psalms - Various celebrites have close up camera shots on their mouths while singing famous psalms while the sound is muted. Only lip readers may sing along

Up yours hungry bum

Suck off flid lips

i'll rip ya fookin hair outa ya ass and knit ya muvva a hat, c'mon then lets ave it!

You got bigger tits than me! You Fat Felch!

Eff Off!

What the shit do you lot look for?

Over the last month i've been noting down the search strings that have been entered into a search engine to come up with our wonderous news site. What the shite are you people out there looking for!?

Ok, your going to have the fruity searches looking for young ladies in their draws or men dressed as big huge babies and oversized rusks, but some of these searches are just crazy!

These are the top searches to get to here:

Click the 'READ MORE' link below dog licker!

This will be a monthly feature from now on as it makes me laugh...you bunch of freaks!

43 year old pop seller, Jason Ford of Alway gave himself in after a long car/truck chase around the winding streets of Newport.

"He endangered himself and others by driving like an absolute loon! I'm absolutely outraged by the mans incompetance and complete disregard for public safety" Reported a 4 year old bystander.

Ford, a huge fan of the 80's/90's cartoon 'Transformers' built himself his very own Optimus Prime outfit out of brown paper and cardboard boxes, trying to mimic himself against his childhood hero and god like figurine. "I almost transformed once and got stuck half way and started to panic and Jazz and bumblebee had to come and rescue me" Puffed the overweight out of breath Ford.

Press 'Read More' Bigballs!